Just got done watching the first half of Fullmetal Alchemist tonight and its super late the night before my last exam of the semester. The show is pretty amazingly good for what I had expected to be kiddy turned out to be rather grown up, thoughtful and exciting. Definitely had some tearjerker moments, but I'm a softy anymore so Im probably not a good tool for measuring that.
I also recently finished watching all of Den-O (except for the new Cho-Den-O stuff which I have waiting for me when I get around to it). It was a very well done series and I am looking forward to watching more Kamen Rider shows now. Probably start with W again over break. Lots of stuff to do over break.
But ultimately, tonight I am finally coming to grips that the year is coming to an end, and realizing what a crazy hellish year its been. Definitely top 2 worst in my life. I don't even know where I am right now mentally speaking and its hard to think of what next year will bring. Itll be a year since I lost Sam in about 25 days now and I am getting better each day as I try to deal with how I should move about my life after the fact. But I know it still hurts and probably always will. I now have 3 songs that are almost guaranteed to make me cry. I wonder a lot of things, but its really hard to put all the ideas to paper. I think that wondering is what causes my insomnia and I don't like it, but what else do I have but my thoughts to keep me company this late at night?
I put on a good show, but ultimately Im such a tragically flawed, broken individual that I even feel mocked some days by the nickname Emperor. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Ah well, time for some sleep before my final. With any luck the bus wont ditch me or if it does, I can at least get a ride in. I need a car. Music therapy is how I cope and I have been without significant song for over a year now. Its taking its toll.
Thoughts on a Sunday night
I wasn't up to much this evening, and was trying to think of something productive to do that isn't my homework. So, I made this blog in line with Telemelia and Archangels. Sure, its kinda a throwback to Xanga days, but whatever. Its been ages since I've made a blog and actually shared my thoughts with anything. Brace yourself for the angst. Cause, whats the point of a blog if there isnt a truck load of angst to go with it?
The cold weather is usually my favorite time of year, but this year it seems colder than usual. I don't know why that is. Perhaps it is because there are no parental units about to nag me to put on warm clothes, perhaps its because its the basement and its always cold, perhaps its cause Im just starting to get old, and the cold affects me more. Any way you look at it, its cold. But, it isnt just temperature cold. My heart seems to be rather icy of late as well. I try to think of ways to warm myself up, to get out and make a positive impact on the world again. To try to find love, or friendship or anything else, but I find that this isolation I've been dealing with for the last year has really disconnected me from everything and as much of an uphill struggle as I had before to fit in, it will be twice as hard now.
I live in the same house I've lived in for the last 20 years now (I like to call it Castle, but it has no cool nickname like my old apartment or anything) but it no longer feels like my place. The threshold of a home is gone in the new roommate zoning codes that have come. I try to make the place warm and welcome, but the dynamic has changed from "this is my house come on over" to "you must also deal with the other people that live here." Most of the time, thats not an issue, but more and more, I feel like I am losing grip on a larger audience of my friends than ever before.
School continues to be a hangup for me in getting to where I want to be in life. At the moment, it is trying to find that "where I want to be" place to motivate me to endure school that causes the most trouble. If I have no goals aside from making enough money to survive week to week and have my friends over/buy the things I want to make me feel good, then school seems like an unnecessary burden. If I actually feel like I want to do something with my education some day, when I am out of the dark place Ive been in this last year, then I should get to that and to hell with bad teachers. I will persevere. Coming to that conclusion feels like a waste of time to me though. What is the point in having goals and dreams if they are all gonna come crashing down anyways?
The same can basically be said for my love life. At this point, I feel like I have literally nothing to offer. At least, nothing beyond my sharp wit and charming personality (both of which have been dulled by years of depression). I had a good thing and lost it and now I'm stuck back in the place where I basically have to get my friends and roommates significant others before I have a shot. When you only meet 2-3 girls a year that are willing to hang out with my group of friends/roommates and you attrition out 99% of them to the friend-zone, then you are left with pretty much nada. Sometimes I wonder why I try. Its really sad when my hopes build up even a little at the prospect of asking a girl out or spending time with someone thats single. The excited kid in me pipes up and gets me all excited, but I have that part of me so reined in at this point, that I usually talk myself back into inaction before I bother to attempt half the ideas/conversations I have in my head.
So, everything basically revolves around the question of "Whats the point?" Those three words haunt my thoughts, waking and sleeping and seem to be my main motivation for inaction. I need something to make my life worth living. Something to sing about. Maybe I'll find it around the next corner, maybe the gods will give me a pass on the family curse and render my struggles moot. There are lots of maybes, but the one certainty is that I will be here, Enduring, because thats what I do.
The cold weather is usually my favorite time of year, but this year it seems colder than usual. I don't know why that is. Perhaps it is because there are no parental units about to nag me to put on warm clothes, perhaps its because its the basement and its always cold, perhaps its cause Im just starting to get old, and the cold affects me more. Any way you look at it, its cold. But, it isnt just temperature cold. My heart seems to be rather icy of late as well. I try to think of ways to warm myself up, to get out and make a positive impact on the world again. To try to find love, or friendship or anything else, but I find that this isolation I've been dealing with for the last year has really disconnected me from everything and as much of an uphill struggle as I had before to fit in, it will be twice as hard now.
I live in the same house I've lived in for the last 20 years now (I like to call it Castle, but it has no cool nickname like my old apartment or anything) but it no longer feels like my place. The threshold of a home is gone in the new roommate zoning codes that have come. I try to make the place warm and welcome, but the dynamic has changed from "this is my house come on over" to "you must also deal with the other people that live here." Most of the time, thats not an issue, but more and more, I feel like I am losing grip on a larger audience of my friends than ever before.
School continues to be a hangup for me in getting to where I want to be in life. At the moment, it is trying to find that "where I want to be" place to motivate me to endure school that causes the most trouble. If I have no goals aside from making enough money to survive week to week and have my friends over/buy the things I want to make me feel good, then school seems like an unnecessary burden. If I actually feel like I want to do something with my education some day, when I am out of the dark place Ive been in this last year, then I should get to that and to hell with bad teachers. I will persevere. Coming to that conclusion feels like a waste of time to me though. What is the point in having goals and dreams if they are all gonna come crashing down anyways?
The same can basically be said for my love life. At this point, I feel like I have literally nothing to offer. At least, nothing beyond my sharp wit and charming personality (both of which have been dulled by years of depression). I had a good thing and lost it and now I'm stuck back in the place where I basically have to get my friends and roommates significant others before I have a shot. When you only meet 2-3 girls a year that are willing to hang out with my group of friends/roommates and you attrition out 99% of them to the friend-zone, then you are left with pretty much nada. Sometimes I wonder why I try. Its really sad when my hopes build up even a little at the prospect of asking a girl out or spending time with someone thats single. The excited kid in me pipes up and gets me all excited, but I have that part of me so reined in at this point, that I usually talk myself back into inaction before I bother to attempt half the ideas/conversations I have in my head.
So, everything basically revolves around the question of "Whats the point?" Those three words haunt my thoughts, waking and sleeping and seem to be my main motivation for inaction. I need something to make my life worth living. Something to sing about. Maybe I'll find it around the next corner, maybe the gods will give me a pass on the family curse and render my struggles moot. There are lots of maybes, but the one certainty is that I will be here, Enduring, because thats what I do.
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