Been a while since I posted anything, so I figure its update time.
Had a birthday a few days back, and it wasn't too bad. Went up to visit my mom and had a good time, then kinda melted down when I had to spend the afternoon with the grandparents in the sweltering heat and had to get a ride home early. Its tough to be happy when your brain is baking and there is no escape from people. But, when I went home, Mom got me some awesome gifts for my B-day and then the guys helped me clean the basement so all in all it was pretty great.
We had a few days of intensive work in the basement, but now things are shiny and new. Well, sorta. With each mess we clean, a new one arises. Its definitely cleaner than it has been though, so thats nice. I'm adapting to being in a new space with my computer and the new layout.
Now that things are calming down again, its nice to take a load off and relax, but I feel like there is so much going on all the time that I don't get the opportunity to do side projects, which is strange because Ive got so much free time. Its gotta be this new sleep schedule I'm on. Puts me awake at the busiest parts of the day and I sleep through the quiet parts that I used to enjoy. Its weird. Daylight just isn't as much fun.
Gaming has been pretty awesome in our Tuesday group. Last night we had a ton of laughs with our new characters, despite things getting cut short by shenanigans, but thems the breaks. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next with that bunch. Although it will definitely be different since all the cats are out of the bag. *shrug* Archangel's game is coming up next friday too, and thats been long awaited, so I hope it turns out great. He's been planning for a year it feels like.
On the roommate front, Jazzhands is on some new drugs that make him loopy and kinda an asshat on occasion. Its hard to keep up with him most days, but its even harder than usual now. I wonder if he's got something up with him, but is deflecting it at us so we don't notice as much. Makes me curious. Hopefully, it passes soon enough though. Tele's been really moody lately too and doesn't wanna talk about it, which is fine, but its just hard to sort out tension when everything isn't getting resolved. Again, it'll pass. Its just frustrating at the moment. Archangel's computer got vacated from the basement tonight, which means that progress can start being made in the back corner now, and that means that maybe Tele's computer hub will move downstairs. Only time will tell how that goes.
There are a lot of things I have to stop and tell myself that I worry too much about. For instance, our internet connection has a maximum bandwidth a month of 250 gigs. We hit 220 our first month, which was a little scary to me, but ultimately I think it was just an adjustment to our new internet capacity. Anything that gives me a counter to watch how much we use just triggers my OCD I guess. Other things, like Jazzhands' romantic foibles just rub me the wrong way as well. It sucks when I have to waste mental time wanting to fix other people's problems, but my brain somehow decides that is what I want to think about. I guess I just need better distractions. I dunno.
Another topic of thought for me is Pensic coming up at the end of July. Two weeks of camping is gonna be nice, but I don't feel ready for it at all. It'll be the first time in 10 years that I've seen most of these people, and I'm not sure what to expect from it all. Again, I worry too much, but I guess as I get older I'm beginning to prefer planning over winging it. It all just ends up stressing me out in tiny little doses that add up over time.
Today's been a great day that got miserable all in the course of like 30 minutes flat and now I'm kinda cranky, which is no fun. I started out super happy, and to end it on this note makes me frown a little extra. Archangel and I were working on Jazzhands' computer but it's problem wasn't resolved, and all it did was make me more frustrated because now I worry that my computer isn't working right either, and then when I gave up on it for the night, my wireless was acting up again which only made me more angry and frustrated. To top it off, Jazzhands decided to piss off Tele (or so I assume because he isn't talking to us) when he came in from work. So, theres all this tension for no good reason, and I'm stressed out again for little to no reason and it just makes me cranky.
I think too much. Sigh.
What could it hurt?
Its been a little while since I updated, but things have changed a bit since then. The grandparents have given a tentative go ahead to move for Tele, so gears are in motion. Everyone still has their reservations, and I am tackling them one at a time. Jazz hands and I had a long talk about everything under the sun and hopefully we've made some good progress on that front. Tomorrow/today I am going up north to talk to the grandparents and finalize all of this business and put it behind us. Its been a nice bit of forward momentum and I'm not about to stop things as they get bigger and (hopefully) better.
Jazz Hands also wanted to start up a diet regimen for the two of us, and the title of this post was his primary argument. I can't really fault his logic either. It was hard trying to tell a close family member that up to this point, you'd basically given up on trying to make a difference and chose food as a more enjoyable form of bullet for your problems. We're going to try to slow boil the frog and see if we can't just sneak up to weight loss without much thinking put into it. My first guess is that its just going to be a means of guilting me into eating out less and making him feel better about himself. Weight loss is probably so hard because its always the beautiful people who try to con you into it.
So many things going on in my brain right now, so much stuff to process and plan for. My game of social chess is spiraling wildly and I have to keep up as best I can. So many fires to put out. As for school, I'm using next semester as a feeler to see if I can actually survive in my Econ major. I've got a pretty sweet schedule, and if I do alright back in economics, then I may just tough it out as a sign of good faith for the family since they actually went and fooled me and are probably going to let me keep going to school.
My motivation is coming back for things around the house and I hope that it keeps up because its way better to be positive about these things than to sit back and watch everything fall apart instead. I'm praying that everything works out like I hope, and dreading the moment everything falls to pieces.
I need to get back into writing. If I can get a book going, I may just find something I can do with my life that I can enjoy. We'll see how it goes. For the moment, everything seems to be coming up OOOs.
Jazz Hands also wanted to start up a diet regimen for the two of us, and the title of this post was his primary argument. I can't really fault his logic either. It was hard trying to tell a close family member that up to this point, you'd basically given up on trying to make a difference and chose food as a more enjoyable form of bullet for your problems. We're going to try to slow boil the frog and see if we can't just sneak up to weight loss without much thinking put into it. My first guess is that its just going to be a means of guilting me into eating out less and making him feel better about himself. Weight loss is probably so hard because its always the beautiful people who try to con you into it.
So many things going on in my brain right now, so much stuff to process and plan for. My game of social chess is spiraling wildly and I have to keep up as best I can. So many fires to put out. As for school, I'm using next semester as a feeler to see if I can actually survive in my Econ major. I've got a pretty sweet schedule, and if I do alright back in economics, then I may just tough it out as a sign of good faith for the family since they actually went and fooled me and are probably going to let me keep going to school.
My motivation is coming back for things around the house and I hope that it keeps up because its way better to be positive about these things than to sit back and watch everything fall apart instead. I'm praying that everything works out like I hope, and dreading the moment everything falls to pieces.
I need to get back into writing. If I can get a book going, I may just find something I can do with my life that I can enjoy. We'll see how it goes. For the moment, everything seems to be coming up OOOs.
The last olive branch
So, I've been dealing with this whole living situation debacle for the last couple weeks. Putting out the fires that Archangel decided to dump on me. At every turn, the family seems to support me, but then, when I look away to count on them to do something, they just let it sit. So, I decided to do it myself and start the ball rolling. Tele's plans have changed and he wants a decision now rather than later, so we're gonna tip over the apple cart and see what comes out.
I've talked to mom about things and ended up sending her a rather venom filled email about empty promises and overt slacking off and how this entire situation is just riling me up into a giant ball of frustration. We'll see how she takes it tomorrow. If I don't have an answer by the end of this week though, I'm done (barring something major that is excusable, like death or someone else getting married). I tried to explain to mom how this whole situation is hard for me on account of the last situation with roommates and how that ended poorly and how grandpa has one last shot at this making friends business before I am done with him, but we'll see if she catches on. Its hard to flat out tell your parents that you're gonna disavow their parents if they fuck you over one more time (or at least write them a nasty letter wishing them a miserable last few years of life).
At the moment I am super pissed, scowling and about ready to write off the last half of my family and just ride things out alone from here on out. Its amazing what anger can do to a depressed brain. I've had so many random ideas. All bad, but some more amusing than others. I'm hoping sleep helps, but I just have this feeling today that I've pushed too hard and everything I want is going to slip through my fingers once again.
Seems to be the story of my life.
I've talked to mom about things and ended up sending her a rather venom filled email about empty promises and overt slacking off and how this entire situation is just riling me up into a giant ball of frustration. We'll see how she takes it tomorrow. If I don't have an answer by the end of this week though, I'm done (barring something major that is excusable, like death or someone else getting married). I tried to explain to mom how this whole situation is hard for me on account of the last situation with roommates and how that ended poorly and how grandpa has one last shot at this making friends business before I am done with him, but we'll see if she catches on. Its hard to flat out tell your parents that you're gonna disavow their parents if they fuck you over one more time (or at least write them a nasty letter wishing them a miserable last few years of life).
At the moment I am super pissed, scowling and about ready to write off the last half of my family and just ride things out alone from here on out. Its amazing what anger can do to a depressed brain. I've had so many random ideas. All bad, but some more amusing than others. I'm hoping sleep helps, but I just have this feeling today that I've pushed too hard and everything I want is going to slip through my fingers once again.
Seems to be the story of my life.
Too much icky
Well, its done now. I'm not going to be getting a bachelors at ISU. I got some feedback from the Psych department that I was trying to transfer my major into and they said that I have too many hours to be admitted into the psych field. How is that even possible? Anyways, with that news, basically I am done at ISU. I'm going to finish out next semester, and maaaybe one more afterwards depending on social situation and then cut my losses and move on.
I could try to finish up with my Econ degree, but at this point, ISU has nothing I want anymore so I will be more than happy to wave goodbye to them for good. What this means for me though is that its time to hunker down, and get everything sorted out stat before my benefits start drying up. Time to go visit the doctors, and get a bunch of things sorted out, time to get my history in check, and to figure out my living situation once and for all. I'll be pushing to get Tele as a roommate that much harder because we need one, and once I get a job, if this house issue isn't sorted out to my liking, hopefully I will be able to move out and forget all about this place. We'll see.
Anyways, Mom is supposed to be in town this weekend and I have a lot to talk to her about and the dust has to settle on my opinion of ISU still but I believe that this will be the best option for me. I have a hard enough time settling in to the real world, so its time to just move on down the road. Ahh, what a lovely domino effect some things can have on my life. Nothing is ever stable, but I will adapt and move forward. Me and Sisyphus are bros.
I could try to finish up with my Econ degree, but at this point, ISU has nothing I want anymore so I will be more than happy to wave goodbye to them for good. What this means for me though is that its time to hunker down, and get everything sorted out stat before my benefits start drying up. Time to go visit the doctors, and get a bunch of things sorted out, time to get my history in check, and to figure out my living situation once and for all. I'll be pushing to get Tele as a roommate that much harder because we need one, and once I get a job, if this house issue isn't sorted out to my liking, hopefully I will be able to move out and forget all about this place. We'll see.
Anyways, Mom is supposed to be in town this weekend and I have a lot to talk to her about and the dust has to settle on my opinion of ISU still but I believe that this will be the best option for me. I have a hard enough time settling in to the real world, so its time to just move on down the road. Ahh, what a lovely domino effect some things can have on my life. Nothing is ever stable, but I will adapt and move forward. Me and Sisyphus are bros.
Updates
Had the family shindig today. It was fun. Got to see a lot of people that are fun to talk to. Got to listen to a lot of boring conversations I'd rather not know about but hey, that's how family get-togethers are. Over-sharing and boredom mixed in with good times and good food. We had dinner at an Amish buffet which was different. Apparently the restaurant hires Amish people to cook and serve food but still uses modern tech and so forth to make things work. Its a strange combination of worlds. But they had really good apple butter, peanut butter and mashed potatoes and gravy.
I used my opportunities to try and discuss important matters of the house only to get pretty much shut down at every turn. Noone really wanted to talk about it with me aside from Auntsie who basically was not much help. Her 'constructive' advice is to just deal with it and shit happens. Good. Thanks for that. I got Mom to back me up and talk to my uncle Handyman. His opinion is that its grandpa's call even if we know its going to be a bad one. At least that is what he told me, he may have told mom something different. Alternative options at the moment are for me to buy the house (Not happening as far as I am aware) or some strange combination of moving out or something. I don't know whats happening with it. But so far, every option I have heard has been terrible and is going to result in me having to move out and quit school or take like 4 busses to get to school every day and find at least 2 more roommates. My head hurts.
I'm super stressed. Moreso than when I started the day. I am going to watch a couple shows and then maybe play some videogames and hope for the end of the world. Sorry in advance if my dreams come true. At this point an apocalypse of some sort seems like a better option. Grumble grumble.
Nothing ever works out properly. I'm beginning to think this is how it will always be for me. At least I got good friends to hang out with. Its the one bright spot of my life at the moment.
I used my opportunities to try and discuss important matters of the house only to get pretty much shut down at every turn. Noone really wanted to talk about it with me aside from Auntsie who basically was not much help. Her 'constructive' advice is to just deal with it and shit happens. Good. Thanks for that. I got Mom to back me up and talk to my uncle Handyman. His opinion is that its grandpa's call even if we know its going to be a bad one. At least that is what he told me, he may have told mom something different. Alternative options at the moment are for me to buy the house (Not happening as far as I am aware) or some strange combination of moving out or something. I don't know whats happening with it. But so far, every option I have heard has been terrible and is going to result in me having to move out and quit school or take like 4 busses to get to school every day and find at least 2 more roommates. My head hurts.
I'm super stressed. Moreso than when I started the day. I am going to watch a couple shows and then maybe play some videogames and hope for the end of the world. Sorry in advance if my dreams come true. At this point an apocalypse of some sort seems like a better option. Grumble grumble.
Nothing ever works out properly. I'm beginning to think this is how it will always be for me. At least I got good friends to hang out with. Its the one bright spot of my life at the moment.
Can't sleep, Brain will eat me...
Its been a bizarre several days, and its only helped to clarify a few things that have been bouncing around in my head. This Spring break will probably be one of the most fruitful and needed breaks I have had in a while. Because I really need time to vent and decompress. I should have been in bed an hour ago, but my brain says no. It is trying hard to find the words I want to spit out and say but it ends up just churning out white noise that distracts me to the point of insomnia. Its frustrating.
Gaming night tonight was super short on account of us missing a player due to spontaneous marriages. Its sad that I am more frustrated by gaming being cut short than I am happy that my cousin got married. Neither of which are significant influences on me. I find that I am just confused and nonplussed about the whole thing. What can I say? The wheel continues to turn and so I must continue on.
Tomorrow I get to hang out with my mom for a while and talk to the rest of the 'movers and shakers' in the family and try and get their permission to get a roommate to make up for aforementioned impulsiveness. At least I don't instead have to go begging to sleep on someone's couch for the rest of the year while I try to find a job. The world around me is so damned unstable its hard to trust/rely on anything anymore. Its tough to make plans more than a month in advance without worrying that something drastic will change on me. Im cranky that I am going to have to monopolize my chances to talk to family and catch up with talks of battle plans and things spiraling out of control instead of good times or other important issues I could bring up.
I checked my horoscope fortune at the beginning of the year said I would have an Auspicious year, and no bad months to speak of. Its 5 days into this month, so there is still plenty of time to turn things around still, but at the pace things are going, its looking like they're wrong. I'll figure out some way to pull this off, but its been a long time since I have been so stressed out. Its definitely showing in my productivity this semester at school and its making even my occasional depression sit on the backburner. I've been getting cranky and animatedly angry a lot more than I have in a looooong time, and not sleeping well.
I wish I could use my blog for things aside from venting, but so far, everything else seems like its just so much less important. And if I go talking about Kamen Rider Bugmans or videogames on here it just takes away from when I actually get to have real live conversations. That being said, you should all go watch Chuck, Castle, Kamen Rider OOOs, and come to bad movie nights. They are good stuff. Oh and Burn Notice too, that ones a good one.
Well, the white noise of stress and faulty brain workings is diminished and I think I can go sleep now or at least go do some more reading til I pass out. My laundry is in the dryer and all thats left for me to do tomorrow is roll out of bed, shower, chug a rip it and then wait for mom. I'm wagering that tonights dreams are going to be something like me struggling to climb a mountain that keeps breaking apart as I try to climb or other symbolic interpretation of my mood of late. I really just want to catch a break for a change.
Gaming night tonight was super short on account of us missing a player due to spontaneous marriages. Its sad that I am more frustrated by gaming being cut short than I am happy that my cousin got married. Neither of which are significant influences on me. I find that I am just confused and nonplussed about the whole thing. What can I say? The wheel continues to turn and so I must continue on.
Tomorrow I get to hang out with my mom for a while and talk to the rest of the 'movers and shakers' in the family and try and get their permission to get a roommate to make up for aforementioned impulsiveness. At least I don't instead have to go begging to sleep on someone's couch for the rest of the year while I try to find a job. The world around me is so damned unstable its hard to trust/rely on anything anymore. Its tough to make plans more than a month in advance without worrying that something drastic will change on me. Im cranky that I am going to have to monopolize my chances to talk to family and catch up with talks of battle plans and things spiraling out of control instead of good times or other important issues I could bring up.
I checked my horoscope fortune at the beginning of the year said I would have an Auspicious year, and no bad months to speak of. Its 5 days into this month, so there is still plenty of time to turn things around still, but at the pace things are going, its looking like they're wrong. I'll figure out some way to pull this off, but its been a long time since I have been so stressed out. Its definitely showing in my productivity this semester at school and its making even my occasional depression sit on the backburner. I've been getting cranky and animatedly angry a lot more than I have in a looooong time, and not sleeping well.
I wish I could use my blog for things aside from venting, but so far, everything else seems like its just so much less important. And if I go talking about Kamen Rider Bugmans or videogames on here it just takes away from when I actually get to have real live conversations. That being said, you should all go watch Chuck, Castle, Kamen Rider OOOs, and come to bad movie nights. They are good stuff. Oh and Burn Notice too, that ones a good one.
Well, the white noise of stress and faulty brain workings is diminished and I think I can go sleep now or at least go do some more reading til I pass out. My laundry is in the dryer and all thats left for me to do tomorrow is roll out of bed, shower, chug a rip it and then wait for mom. I'm wagering that tonights dreams are going to be something like me struggling to climb a mountain that keeps breaking apart as I try to climb or other symbolic interpretation of my mood of late. I really just want to catch a break for a change.
Its Cold...
Two snow days in a row is pretty great, however its been a little crazy since we've all been cooped up together for so long. Parking ban means no one can come visit and park legally and we haven't fully shoveled the drive yet.
Classes are happening tomorrow, but I have no will to go in because its freaking cold, and stupid to have classes in this weather. I'm pretty cold and feeling rather introverted right now because the house is full of Archangel's girlfriend's friends and Jazz hands and he are flirting away (as usual). Oh well, they seem nice. I think I'm going to go crawl under some blankets and thaw from this terribly cold day before I make myself extra cranky thinking too much.
Movie roundup of the last couple days:
Daybreakers - Decent vampire movie. I liked it, but dont really care about Ethan Hawke, he's got way too emo a stage presence. Interesting concepts about vampirism and society though.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - I really loved this movie, but I think the main actor guy was misplaced (even though he did excellent with it) I just couldnt buy him as Scott. Knives was awesome though. I want one. Anyways, now I need to read the comics again, if anyone has them, can I borrow them?
Castle - Quickly becoming one of my favorite crime shows. Its light and fluffy and about a writer so its kinda inspiring me again to get into writing. Beckett is hot too, which is a bonus.
The Proposal - I enjoyed this movie because the actors in it were great, but then it went and made itself into a romantic comedy that tried to 'ben stiller' the movie too much and it lost most of its charm. I'm tired of movies nowadays where they throw wacky twists into the movie to make it more 'comedic' its old. The story is about these two people who are falling in love, not about Betty White chanting around a fire to thank some ancient eskimo spirits that then gets Sandra Bullock to rap Get Low. Anyways... ryan reynolds was good in it.
Thats all I got for now, be safe out there. Because I am without a car, the Emperor can only protect so much...
Classes are happening tomorrow, but I have no will to go in because its freaking cold, and stupid to have classes in this weather. I'm pretty cold and feeling rather introverted right now because the house is full of Archangel's girlfriend's friends and Jazz hands and he are flirting away (as usual). Oh well, they seem nice. I think I'm going to go crawl under some blankets and thaw from this terribly cold day before I make myself extra cranky thinking too much.
Movie roundup of the last couple days:
Daybreakers - Decent vampire movie. I liked it, but dont really care about Ethan Hawke, he's got way too emo a stage presence. Interesting concepts about vampirism and society though.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - I really loved this movie, but I think the main actor guy was misplaced (even though he did excellent with it) I just couldnt buy him as Scott. Knives was awesome though. I want one. Anyways, now I need to read the comics again, if anyone has them, can I borrow them?
Castle - Quickly becoming one of my favorite crime shows. Its light and fluffy and about a writer so its kinda inspiring me again to get into writing. Beckett is hot too, which is a bonus.
The Proposal - I enjoyed this movie because the actors in it were great, but then it went and made itself into a romantic comedy that tried to 'ben stiller' the movie too much and it lost most of its charm. I'm tired of movies nowadays where they throw wacky twists into the movie to make it more 'comedic' its old. The story is about these two people who are falling in love, not about Betty White chanting around a fire to thank some ancient eskimo spirits that then gets Sandra Bullock to rap Get Low. Anyways... ryan reynolds was good in it.
Thats all I got for now, be safe out there. Because I am without a car, the Emperor can only protect so much...
Run Devil Run...
This week was probably one of the best I've had in ages. I've had good friends around and not much to complain about aside from the little stuff that's always there. Gaming was fun and got my mathematical juices going again. Conquering another very crunchy system (for the most part) is always a good thing in my book.
Ive got K-pop stuck in my head and it wont go away, but thats fine by me cause its damn catchy. I haven't had music where the harmonizing has given me a chill in a while, its nice. When I get a car again, you can prolly guarantee that it'll be on the first Mix tape I make for me to jam to.
Today is homework day, I've got a decent amount to catch up on, and plan on digging into that as soon as I get some pizza in me. Its hard to concentrate when your stomach is eating itself. I stayed up super late last night despite going to bed around 1:30. I blame the other goings on in the house. But thats another story. The floor is getting more and more creaky above my head and either I am getting more in tune with the house's creaks and groans or its all getting louder. When I'm not dead to the world, its very noticeable whenever someone is walking around upstairs. Frustrating. At least I have good headphones.
My emotional burdens are slowly being left behind as I try to reinvest myself in my surroundings. I have friends to help and hang out with, school to conquer and my life to wrestle back into shape. I'm tired of dwelling on the past. Time to move forward for a change. Now, I just have to talk Telemelia into helping me with my legal paperwork stuff and get my mom to actually come visit when we can have a heart to heart and go car shopping and I'll really be back in the game. And if it ever warms up, its time to start destroying this lodestone under my skin. The world has past me by for an entire year and I'm sick of being stuck in a rut.
Lets see... as far as school goes, I would love to finish with my Bachelors Degree but I have no inkling into what I want to get it in. I need to go talk to an advisor and get re-motivated in one path or another. Senior level courses don't really interest me as none of the paths I take will likely put much into use and everything that I have come across that isnt scientific or historical information in nature I've been able to rationalize and think my way through anyways. Do I even need it? I'm prolly gonna be going to school for the next 2 years at this rate if I keep going at things the way I am. Is that where I want to be? Is that what I want to do with my self? I just dont know at this point. I'd rather just get a car and a job and go back to being free. I must admit that the time investment of school is nice since I am the master of my schedule and I have no other demands aside from homework and learning.
The basement has been a stagnant mess for months now, I've made a few inroads into rearranging things, but all the whirlwind of cleaning upstairs has kinda demotivated me because unlike them upstairs its pretty much just me down here. Archangel helps sometimes, but less and less as time goes by. It almost feels like a moot point since my furniture is getting worn out and needs some upgrades/repair soon and with the talk of Archangel buying the house, everything seems very temporary again. I just have this feeling that I'll be moving in the relative near future. It'll be strange to be out of this place again, but I know that its about time. I've been yearning to be rid of this place for a while now. Some place that I can call mine (and one that I dont have to mow ever). Perhaps one with a little less romantic relationships swirling around above my head to make me constantly remember what I've lost too. That'd be nice. Some people just don't appreciate what they have and who doesn't. Anyways...
I think thats about all I have for the moment. Until next time.
Ive got K-pop stuck in my head and it wont go away, but thats fine by me cause its damn catchy. I haven't had music where the harmonizing has given me a chill in a while, its nice. When I get a car again, you can prolly guarantee that it'll be on the first Mix tape I make for me to jam to.
Today is homework day, I've got a decent amount to catch up on, and plan on digging into that as soon as I get some pizza in me. Its hard to concentrate when your stomach is eating itself. I stayed up super late last night despite going to bed around 1:30. I blame the other goings on in the house. But thats another story. The floor is getting more and more creaky above my head and either I am getting more in tune with the house's creaks and groans or its all getting louder. When I'm not dead to the world, its very noticeable whenever someone is walking around upstairs. Frustrating. At least I have good headphones.
My emotional burdens are slowly being left behind as I try to reinvest myself in my surroundings. I have friends to help and hang out with, school to conquer and my life to wrestle back into shape. I'm tired of dwelling on the past. Time to move forward for a change. Now, I just have to talk Telemelia into helping me with my legal paperwork stuff and get my mom to actually come visit when we can have a heart to heart and go car shopping and I'll really be back in the game. And if it ever warms up, its time to start destroying this lodestone under my skin. The world has past me by for an entire year and I'm sick of being stuck in a rut.
Lets see... as far as school goes, I would love to finish with my Bachelors Degree but I have no inkling into what I want to get it in. I need to go talk to an advisor and get re-motivated in one path or another. Senior level courses don't really interest me as none of the paths I take will likely put much into use and everything that I have come across that isnt scientific or historical information in nature I've been able to rationalize and think my way through anyways. Do I even need it? I'm prolly gonna be going to school for the next 2 years at this rate if I keep going at things the way I am. Is that where I want to be? Is that what I want to do with my self? I just dont know at this point. I'd rather just get a car and a job and go back to being free. I must admit that the time investment of school is nice since I am the master of my schedule and I have no other demands aside from homework and learning.
The basement has been a stagnant mess for months now, I've made a few inroads into rearranging things, but all the whirlwind of cleaning upstairs has kinda demotivated me because unlike them upstairs its pretty much just me down here. Archangel helps sometimes, but less and less as time goes by. It almost feels like a moot point since my furniture is getting worn out and needs some upgrades/repair soon and with the talk of Archangel buying the house, everything seems very temporary again. I just have this feeling that I'll be moving in the relative near future. It'll be strange to be out of this place again, but I know that its about time. I've been yearning to be rid of this place for a while now. Some place that I can call mine (and one that I dont have to mow ever). Perhaps one with a little less romantic relationships swirling around above my head to make me constantly remember what I've lost too. That'd be nice. Some people just don't appreciate what they have and who doesn't. Anyways...
I think thats about all I have for the moment. Until next time.
My brain hit the reset button
So, it would seem that once I hit the year mark, a switch was thrown in my head that basically erased most of the last few years. My memory is spotty at best and for a change I don't feel miserable. For all intents in purposes, I am once again as whole as I was before I met her. Sure, I can't remember a bunch of things that have happened over the tumultuous times but hey, at least I'm not bawling my eyes out at random intervals anymore.
The only disconcerting thing about this is that it seems to have just randomly decided what I have forgotten and what I haven't or at least just pushed a ton of things deeper into my subconscious so its much harder to remember them when called upon. Its almost like a poor man's version of Alzheimer's. Kinda annoying.
School is keeping me busy and sleepy so I don't get to do a bunch of stuff anymore and it feels like playing videogames is a rare treat when I actually get to log on. But, at least I have time to read and peruse my gaming books for ideas. At the moment I am min-maxing myself a Shaitan Genie Monk/Rogue/?? character. It should be fun.
Anyways, its like 12:30 pm and my body has to go to bed soon or my sleep schedule will go to crap. So I must away.
The only disconcerting thing about this is that it seems to have just randomly decided what I have forgotten and what I haven't or at least just pushed a ton of things deeper into my subconscious so its much harder to remember them when called upon. Its almost like a poor man's version of Alzheimer's. Kinda annoying.
School is keeping me busy and sleepy so I don't get to do a bunch of stuff anymore and it feels like playing videogames is a rare treat when I actually get to log on. But, at least I have time to read and peruse my gaming books for ideas. At the moment I am min-maxing myself a Shaitan Genie Monk/Rogue/?? character. It should be fun.
Anyways, its like 12:30 pm and my body has to go to bed soon or my sleep schedule will go to crap. So I must away.
What to do, what to do?
And so, it arrives, without fan fare or applause. No thunder and brimstone or anything like that. The pain has softened, and all I am left with is trying to remember what it was like to be that happy again. The crazy roller coaster of a semester starts fresh and this year I have a lot of work to do, but I think its gonna be a lot better.
I've got my to do list and I've got a full plate, its just time to motivate and get to it. My friends will be around to help, but I have to be able to deal with this on my own cause I don't really get to share my thoughts and feelings with them. No time for depression and reminiscing on dead girlfriends because they don't really have anything to say that can help. Its a sucky spot to be in, but I think that is kinda how life is. How do you console someone who has lost something so significant? What do I expect others to be able to do but distract me and help me continue moving forwards?
Its times like these when I miss having a parent around on a regular basis cause they seem to know how to cheer us up regardless of what is making us sad. Sometimes its tough medicine, but it still heals just as good. Thats probably another reason why things are tough for me. With only maternal support, I get the occasional TLC but I don't get so much of the "thats life, suck it up and move on" speeches that I assume fathers are supposed to give. I'd lived in a relative bubble of happiness before he went away, and now that I have all this guff to deal with, I sometimes wonder what he'd have told me. Guess thats another one of those secrets of the universe I will never solve. I'll add it to the list.
Today hasn't been all that bad though. It was pretty quiet around the house so I got some good sleep (when I finally got to sleep) and played a ton of video games. Tele was sick and forgot to bring my Sims expansion stuff that he was nice enough to get for me, so my brand new house sits empty, awaiting my cool new gizmos and gadgets. I've got an elegant sufficiency of things to keep myself busy this semester, with school and entertainment, books, movies, Tv and so forth.
I'm sitting here looking at a funny little dinosaur wallpaper I found almost 2 years ago now and its pretty much the happiest memento I have of Sam. Its that one that sasy "RAWR! it means I love you! in Dinosaur" I think I'll leave it as my desktop for a while since I can look at it and not break down and cry like I used to. Apparently I am recovering from this loss much faster than I did my father, but I have so many more things that remind me of him. So I guess its a little different. Long story short, I'm bored tonight and a little heart broken. I'll survive but today commemorates the day when my hope for a better life than I had been given died along with the woman I was in love with. Ouchie.
I've got my to do list and I've got a full plate, its just time to motivate and get to it. My friends will be around to help, but I have to be able to deal with this on my own cause I don't really get to share my thoughts and feelings with them. No time for depression and reminiscing on dead girlfriends because they don't really have anything to say that can help. Its a sucky spot to be in, but I think that is kinda how life is. How do you console someone who has lost something so significant? What do I expect others to be able to do but distract me and help me continue moving forwards?
Its times like these when I miss having a parent around on a regular basis cause they seem to know how to cheer us up regardless of what is making us sad. Sometimes its tough medicine, but it still heals just as good. Thats probably another reason why things are tough for me. With only maternal support, I get the occasional TLC but I don't get so much of the "thats life, suck it up and move on" speeches that I assume fathers are supposed to give. I'd lived in a relative bubble of happiness before he went away, and now that I have all this guff to deal with, I sometimes wonder what he'd have told me. Guess thats another one of those secrets of the universe I will never solve. I'll add it to the list.
Today hasn't been all that bad though. It was pretty quiet around the house so I got some good sleep (when I finally got to sleep) and played a ton of video games. Tele was sick and forgot to bring my Sims expansion stuff that he was nice enough to get for me, so my brand new house sits empty, awaiting my cool new gizmos and gadgets. I've got an elegant sufficiency of things to keep myself busy this semester, with school and entertainment, books, movies, Tv and so forth.
I'm sitting here looking at a funny little dinosaur wallpaper I found almost 2 years ago now and its pretty much the happiest memento I have of Sam. Its that one that sasy "RAWR! it means I love you! in Dinosaur" I think I'll leave it as my desktop for a while since I can look at it and not break down and cry like I used to. Apparently I am recovering from this loss much faster than I did my father, but I have so many more things that remind me of him. So I guess its a little different. Long story short, I'm bored tonight and a little heart broken. I'll survive but today commemorates the day when my hope for a better life than I had been given died along with the woman I was in love with. Ouchie.
Its a new year for me
T minus 5 days and counting.
Its been almost an entire year since the most recent 'worst day of my life' happened. And where am I? Sounds like its time for a rundown.
Pros:
The basics: Roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes to wear, that sorta thing
I've got friends that I love that are around and help me out as much as they can
Ive got family I can trust and talk to that look out for me in their own way.
I'm still in school and on my way towards a degree slowly but surely.
I am moving on with my life, one foot in front of the other and I am ready for a new year
Gaming is still fun/exciting.
Lots of good stuff to watch on the internet/tv
Cons:
The basics: Heap o Debt, overweight, no job, no car
Without proper wheels, I lack many basic freedoms that I had previously grown accustomed to like the radio
No love life whatsoever. Im not even sure I'm ready for another relationship yet. It'd be nice, but god, what do I have to offer?
Depression is my ever present companion. We're old friends, honest.
No motivation. I am adrift on the seas of progress with out so much as an inkling of where I am going to end up.
The curse. As immortal as it seems to make me, my lack of insight into where and what I am supposed to be doing makes me wonder if there is a null/void clause in the fine print. I often wonder if my number is coming up soon. I'm ok with that if it is, but its still kinda scary. What do I have to show for it? Something to work on there I guess.
So, the old year is out and in with the new. I've got stuff to keep me busy, friends to entertain and my cancer has yet to rear its ugly head. I'm guessing that mine will be heart failure or something like that. Who knows? Anyways, Ive got to keep on trucking cause there are people that need me out there right now and I will be here for them for as long as I can. If I can get my own shit sorted out, bueno. If not, oh well. One thing at a time I say. The outlook for the year is bleak, but I've never been one to run away from anything. (Sit on my ass and let it go by, sure, but thats not the same as running away). I have some short term goals to put down and get to work on and if nothing else, I have work to do before I go.
So one last list for the post and then I'll leave it be.
Goals for 2011:
1. Clean up my record. Tele said he'd help me out with this. I'm gonna hold him to that. With this under the bridge I can work on the whole debt/job/car situation.
2. Stay in school. The path to happiness/success lies in achieving this goal. I used to think that once my dad's life insurance money ran dry that I had proved to him that I could succeed. Now, I know that there is more to prove yet and I will do it. This leg of the journey I have to do on my own though. I will succeed. Not just for me, but for my parents.
3.Get a car. I need wheels, I need music therapy, I need to be able to drive around town whenever I want. This is a requirement for my own happiness. I can't survive another year stuck in this basement.
4. Deal with it. Everything that is. I have to man up and handle the shit that's inside my head. That means finding a counselor and talking this shit out. I have yet had a single volunteer to listen to me or offer advice and that means I need to find someone that gets paid to do it.
5. Consider my living arrangements. At the current rate, this house won't belong to me for too much longer. So either I need to man up and help out to reestablish my value as a human being to the 'movers and shakers' in the family or I need to consider where I will end up if the shit hits the proverbial fan, which I'm guessing it will in about 6 months. Just in time to overshadow my B-day. We'll see though. Grandpa is looking more and more healthy as time goes by. Maybe he'll pull through for another year.
6. I'd like to say get into shape is a goal of mine, but until I finish #4 I won't really be able to manage it. So instead I'll add in here that I will be looking for ways to get my insurance to pay for lapband surgery for me or something. If I can shed a 150 lbs or so, maybe I can deal with shit a little more resolutely since I will have defeated the overwhelming handicaps I have been given.
7. Find something new to sing about. The reason I always liked the buffy musical episode was that I can totally identify with her point of view in feeling the world from an outsiders point of view. I'm kinda dead inside and I need a reason to keep on keeping on aside from stubbornness and dedication to my friends and family. This year I need to figure that out.
8. Not die. Like I mentioned above, Ive had this inkling that I'm not gonna make it to 2012 (or at least not too much longer). I don't know why that is, but I have no future that I can imagine at this point. So, instead of letting entropy take me and I lose the fight, I want to face the unknown head first and make something of what time I have left, even if I can't see what that is anymore.
Its been almost an entire year since the most recent 'worst day of my life' happened. And where am I? Sounds like its time for a rundown.
Pros:
The basics: Roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes to wear, that sorta thing
I've got friends that I love that are around and help me out as much as they can
Ive got family I can trust and talk to that look out for me in their own way.
I'm still in school and on my way towards a degree slowly but surely.
I am moving on with my life, one foot in front of the other and I am ready for a new year
Gaming is still fun/exciting.
Lots of good stuff to watch on the internet/tv
Cons:
The basics: Heap o Debt, overweight, no job, no car
Without proper wheels, I lack many basic freedoms that I had previously grown accustomed to like the radio
No love life whatsoever. Im not even sure I'm ready for another relationship yet. It'd be nice, but god, what do I have to offer?
Depression is my ever present companion. We're old friends, honest.
No motivation. I am adrift on the seas of progress with out so much as an inkling of where I am going to end up.
The curse. As immortal as it seems to make me, my lack of insight into where and what I am supposed to be doing makes me wonder if there is a null/void clause in the fine print. I often wonder if my number is coming up soon. I'm ok with that if it is, but its still kinda scary. What do I have to show for it? Something to work on there I guess.
So, the old year is out and in with the new. I've got stuff to keep me busy, friends to entertain and my cancer has yet to rear its ugly head. I'm guessing that mine will be heart failure or something like that. Who knows? Anyways, Ive got to keep on trucking cause there are people that need me out there right now and I will be here for them for as long as I can. If I can get my own shit sorted out, bueno. If not, oh well. One thing at a time I say. The outlook for the year is bleak, but I've never been one to run away from anything. (Sit on my ass and let it go by, sure, but thats not the same as running away). I have some short term goals to put down and get to work on and if nothing else, I have work to do before I go.
So one last list for the post and then I'll leave it be.
Goals for 2011:
1. Clean up my record. Tele said he'd help me out with this. I'm gonna hold him to that. With this under the bridge I can work on the whole debt/job/car situation.
2. Stay in school. The path to happiness/success lies in achieving this goal. I used to think that once my dad's life insurance money ran dry that I had proved to him that I could succeed. Now, I know that there is more to prove yet and I will do it. This leg of the journey I have to do on my own though. I will succeed. Not just for me, but for my parents.
3.Get a car. I need wheels, I need music therapy, I need to be able to drive around town whenever I want. This is a requirement for my own happiness. I can't survive another year stuck in this basement.
4. Deal with it. Everything that is. I have to man up and handle the shit that's inside my head. That means finding a counselor and talking this shit out. I have yet had a single volunteer to listen to me or offer advice and that means I need to find someone that gets paid to do it.
5. Consider my living arrangements. At the current rate, this house won't belong to me for too much longer. So either I need to man up and help out to reestablish my value as a human being to the 'movers and shakers' in the family or I need to consider where I will end up if the shit hits the proverbial fan, which I'm guessing it will in about 6 months. Just in time to overshadow my B-day. We'll see though. Grandpa is looking more and more healthy as time goes by. Maybe he'll pull through for another year.
6. I'd like to say get into shape is a goal of mine, but until I finish #4 I won't really be able to manage it. So instead I'll add in here that I will be looking for ways to get my insurance to pay for lapband surgery for me or something. If I can shed a 150 lbs or so, maybe I can deal with shit a little more resolutely since I will have defeated the overwhelming handicaps I have been given.
7. Find something new to sing about. The reason I always liked the buffy musical episode was that I can totally identify with her point of view in feeling the world from an outsiders point of view. I'm kinda dead inside and I need a reason to keep on keeping on aside from stubbornness and dedication to my friends and family. This year I need to figure that out.
8. Not die. Like I mentioned above, Ive had this inkling that I'm not gonna make it to 2012 (or at least not too much longer). I don't know why that is, but I have no future that I can imagine at this point. So, instead of letting entropy take me and I lose the fight, I want to face the unknown head first and make something of what time I have left, even if I can't see what that is anymore.
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