This week was probably one of the best I've had in ages. I've had good friends around and not much to complain about aside from the little stuff that's always there. Gaming was fun and got my mathematical juices going again. Conquering another very crunchy system (for the most part) is always a good thing in my book.
Ive got K-pop stuck in my head and it wont go away, but thats fine by me cause its damn catchy. I haven't had music where the harmonizing has given me a chill in a while, its nice. When I get a car again, you can prolly guarantee that it'll be on the first Mix tape I make for me to jam to.
Today is homework day, I've got a decent amount to catch up on, and plan on digging into that as soon as I get some pizza in me. Its hard to concentrate when your stomach is eating itself. I stayed up super late last night despite going to bed around 1:30. I blame the other goings on in the house. But thats another story. The floor is getting more and more creaky above my head and either I am getting more in tune with the house's creaks and groans or its all getting louder. When I'm not dead to the world, its very noticeable whenever someone is walking around upstairs. Frustrating. At least I have good headphones.
My emotional burdens are slowly being left behind as I try to reinvest myself in my surroundings. I have friends to help and hang out with, school to conquer and my life to wrestle back into shape. I'm tired of dwelling on the past. Time to move forward for a change. Now, I just have to talk Telemelia into helping me with my legal paperwork stuff and get my mom to actually come visit when we can have a heart to heart and go car shopping and I'll really be back in the game. And if it ever warms up, its time to start destroying this lodestone under my skin. The world has past me by for an entire year and I'm sick of being stuck in a rut.
Lets see... as far as school goes, I would love to finish with my Bachelors Degree but I have no inkling into what I want to get it in. I need to go talk to an advisor and get re-motivated in one path or another. Senior level courses don't really interest me as none of the paths I take will likely put much into use and everything that I have come across that isnt scientific or historical information in nature I've been able to rationalize and think my way through anyways. Do I even need it? I'm prolly gonna be going to school for the next 2 years at this rate if I keep going at things the way I am. Is that where I want to be? Is that what I want to do with my self? I just dont know at this point. I'd rather just get a car and a job and go back to being free. I must admit that the time investment of school is nice since I am the master of my schedule and I have no other demands aside from homework and learning.
The basement has been a stagnant mess for months now, I've made a few inroads into rearranging things, but all the whirlwind of cleaning upstairs has kinda demotivated me because unlike them upstairs its pretty much just me down here. Archangel helps sometimes, but less and less as time goes by. It almost feels like a moot point since my furniture is getting worn out and needs some upgrades/repair soon and with the talk of Archangel buying the house, everything seems very temporary again. I just have this feeling that I'll be moving in the relative near future. It'll be strange to be out of this place again, but I know that its about time. I've been yearning to be rid of this place for a while now. Some place that I can call mine (and one that I dont have to mow ever). Perhaps one with a little less romantic relationships swirling around above my head to make me constantly remember what I've lost too. That'd be nice. Some people just don't appreciate what they have and who doesn't. Anyways...
I think thats about all I have for the moment. Until next time.
My brain hit the reset button
So, it would seem that once I hit the year mark, a switch was thrown in my head that basically erased most of the last few years. My memory is spotty at best and for a change I don't feel miserable. For all intents in purposes, I am once again as whole as I was before I met her. Sure, I can't remember a bunch of things that have happened over the tumultuous times but hey, at least I'm not bawling my eyes out at random intervals anymore.
The only disconcerting thing about this is that it seems to have just randomly decided what I have forgotten and what I haven't or at least just pushed a ton of things deeper into my subconscious so its much harder to remember them when called upon. Its almost like a poor man's version of Alzheimer's. Kinda annoying.
School is keeping me busy and sleepy so I don't get to do a bunch of stuff anymore and it feels like playing videogames is a rare treat when I actually get to log on. But, at least I have time to read and peruse my gaming books for ideas. At the moment I am min-maxing myself a Shaitan Genie Monk/Rogue/?? character. It should be fun.
Anyways, its like 12:30 pm and my body has to go to bed soon or my sleep schedule will go to crap. So I must away.
The only disconcerting thing about this is that it seems to have just randomly decided what I have forgotten and what I haven't or at least just pushed a ton of things deeper into my subconscious so its much harder to remember them when called upon. Its almost like a poor man's version of Alzheimer's. Kinda annoying.
School is keeping me busy and sleepy so I don't get to do a bunch of stuff anymore and it feels like playing videogames is a rare treat when I actually get to log on. But, at least I have time to read and peruse my gaming books for ideas. At the moment I am min-maxing myself a Shaitan Genie Monk/Rogue/?? character. It should be fun.
Anyways, its like 12:30 pm and my body has to go to bed soon or my sleep schedule will go to crap. So I must away.
What to do, what to do?
And so, it arrives, without fan fare or applause. No thunder and brimstone or anything like that. The pain has softened, and all I am left with is trying to remember what it was like to be that happy again. The crazy roller coaster of a semester starts fresh and this year I have a lot of work to do, but I think its gonna be a lot better.
I've got my to do list and I've got a full plate, its just time to motivate and get to it. My friends will be around to help, but I have to be able to deal with this on my own cause I don't really get to share my thoughts and feelings with them. No time for depression and reminiscing on dead girlfriends because they don't really have anything to say that can help. Its a sucky spot to be in, but I think that is kinda how life is. How do you console someone who has lost something so significant? What do I expect others to be able to do but distract me and help me continue moving forwards?
Its times like these when I miss having a parent around on a regular basis cause they seem to know how to cheer us up regardless of what is making us sad. Sometimes its tough medicine, but it still heals just as good. Thats probably another reason why things are tough for me. With only maternal support, I get the occasional TLC but I don't get so much of the "thats life, suck it up and move on" speeches that I assume fathers are supposed to give. I'd lived in a relative bubble of happiness before he went away, and now that I have all this guff to deal with, I sometimes wonder what he'd have told me. Guess thats another one of those secrets of the universe I will never solve. I'll add it to the list.
Today hasn't been all that bad though. It was pretty quiet around the house so I got some good sleep (when I finally got to sleep) and played a ton of video games. Tele was sick and forgot to bring my Sims expansion stuff that he was nice enough to get for me, so my brand new house sits empty, awaiting my cool new gizmos and gadgets. I've got an elegant sufficiency of things to keep myself busy this semester, with school and entertainment, books, movies, Tv and so forth.
I'm sitting here looking at a funny little dinosaur wallpaper I found almost 2 years ago now and its pretty much the happiest memento I have of Sam. Its that one that sasy "RAWR! it means I love you! in Dinosaur" I think I'll leave it as my desktop for a while since I can look at it and not break down and cry like I used to. Apparently I am recovering from this loss much faster than I did my father, but I have so many more things that remind me of him. So I guess its a little different. Long story short, I'm bored tonight and a little heart broken. I'll survive but today commemorates the day when my hope for a better life than I had been given died along with the woman I was in love with. Ouchie.
I've got my to do list and I've got a full plate, its just time to motivate and get to it. My friends will be around to help, but I have to be able to deal with this on my own cause I don't really get to share my thoughts and feelings with them. No time for depression and reminiscing on dead girlfriends because they don't really have anything to say that can help. Its a sucky spot to be in, but I think that is kinda how life is. How do you console someone who has lost something so significant? What do I expect others to be able to do but distract me and help me continue moving forwards?
Its times like these when I miss having a parent around on a regular basis cause they seem to know how to cheer us up regardless of what is making us sad. Sometimes its tough medicine, but it still heals just as good. Thats probably another reason why things are tough for me. With only maternal support, I get the occasional TLC but I don't get so much of the "thats life, suck it up and move on" speeches that I assume fathers are supposed to give. I'd lived in a relative bubble of happiness before he went away, and now that I have all this guff to deal with, I sometimes wonder what he'd have told me. Guess thats another one of those secrets of the universe I will never solve. I'll add it to the list.
Today hasn't been all that bad though. It was pretty quiet around the house so I got some good sleep (when I finally got to sleep) and played a ton of video games. Tele was sick and forgot to bring my Sims expansion stuff that he was nice enough to get for me, so my brand new house sits empty, awaiting my cool new gizmos and gadgets. I've got an elegant sufficiency of things to keep myself busy this semester, with school and entertainment, books, movies, Tv and so forth.
I'm sitting here looking at a funny little dinosaur wallpaper I found almost 2 years ago now and its pretty much the happiest memento I have of Sam. Its that one that sasy "RAWR! it means I love you! in Dinosaur" I think I'll leave it as my desktop for a while since I can look at it and not break down and cry like I used to. Apparently I am recovering from this loss much faster than I did my father, but I have so many more things that remind me of him. So I guess its a little different. Long story short, I'm bored tonight and a little heart broken. I'll survive but today commemorates the day when my hope for a better life than I had been given died along with the woman I was in love with. Ouchie.
Its a new year for me
T minus 5 days and counting.
Its been almost an entire year since the most recent 'worst day of my life' happened. And where am I? Sounds like its time for a rundown.
Pros:
The basics: Roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes to wear, that sorta thing
I've got friends that I love that are around and help me out as much as they can
Ive got family I can trust and talk to that look out for me in their own way.
I'm still in school and on my way towards a degree slowly but surely.
I am moving on with my life, one foot in front of the other and I am ready for a new year
Gaming is still fun/exciting.
Lots of good stuff to watch on the internet/tv
Cons:
The basics: Heap o Debt, overweight, no job, no car
Without proper wheels, I lack many basic freedoms that I had previously grown accustomed to like the radio
No love life whatsoever. Im not even sure I'm ready for another relationship yet. It'd be nice, but god, what do I have to offer?
Depression is my ever present companion. We're old friends, honest.
No motivation. I am adrift on the seas of progress with out so much as an inkling of where I am going to end up.
The curse. As immortal as it seems to make me, my lack of insight into where and what I am supposed to be doing makes me wonder if there is a null/void clause in the fine print. I often wonder if my number is coming up soon. I'm ok with that if it is, but its still kinda scary. What do I have to show for it? Something to work on there I guess.
So, the old year is out and in with the new. I've got stuff to keep me busy, friends to entertain and my cancer has yet to rear its ugly head. I'm guessing that mine will be heart failure or something like that. Who knows? Anyways, Ive got to keep on trucking cause there are people that need me out there right now and I will be here for them for as long as I can. If I can get my own shit sorted out, bueno. If not, oh well. One thing at a time I say. The outlook for the year is bleak, but I've never been one to run away from anything. (Sit on my ass and let it go by, sure, but thats not the same as running away). I have some short term goals to put down and get to work on and if nothing else, I have work to do before I go.
So one last list for the post and then I'll leave it be.
Goals for 2011:
1. Clean up my record. Tele said he'd help me out with this. I'm gonna hold him to that. With this under the bridge I can work on the whole debt/job/car situation.
2. Stay in school. The path to happiness/success lies in achieving this goal. I used to think that once my dad's life insurance money ran dry that I had proved to him that I could succeed. Now, I know that there is more to prove yet and I will do it. This leg of the journey I have to do on my own though. I will succeed. Not just for me, but for my parents.
3.Get a car. I need wheels, I need music therapy, I need to be able to drive around town whenever I want. This is a requirement for my own happiness. I can't survive another year stuck in this basement.
4. Deal with it. Everything that is. I have to man up and handle the shit that's inside my head. That means finding a counselor and talking this shit out. I have yet had a single volunteer to listen to me or offer advice and that means I need to find someone that gets paid to do it.
5. Consider my living arrangements. At the current rate, this house won't belong to me for too much longer. So either I need to man up and help out to reestablish my value as a human being to the 'movers and shakers' in the family or I need to consider where I will end up if the shit hits the proverbial fan, which I'm guessing it will in about 6 months. Just in time to overshadow my B-day. We'll see though. Grandpa is looking more and more healthy as time goes by. Maybe he'll pull through for another year.
6. I'd like to say get into shape is a goal of mine, but until I finish #4 I won't really be able to manage it. So instead I'll add in here that I will be looking for ways to get my insurance to pay for lapband surgery for me or something. If I can shed a 150 lbs or so, maybe I can deal with shit a little more resolutely since I will have defeated the overwhelming handicaps I have been given.
7. Find something new to sing about. The reason I always liked the buffy musical episode was that I can totally identify with her point of view in feeling the world from an outsiders point of view. I'm kinda dead inside and I need a reason to keep on keeping on aside from stubbornness and dedication to my friends and family. This year I need to figure that out.
8. Not die. Like I mentioned above, Ive had this inkling that I'm not gonna make it to 2012 (or at least not too much longer). I don't know why that is, but I have no future that I can imagine at this point. So, instead of letting entropy take me and I lose the fight, I want to face the unknown head first and make something of what time I have left, even if I can't see what that is anymore.
Its been almost an entire year since the most recent 'worst day of my life' happened. And where am I? Sounds like its time for a rundown.
Pros:
The basics: Roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes to wear, that sorta thing
I've got friends that I love that are around and help me out as much as they can
Ive got family I can trust and talk to that look out for me in their own way.
I'm still in school and on my way towards a degree slowly but surely.
I am moving on with my life, one foot in front of the other and I am ready for a new year
Gaming is still fun/exciting.
Lots of good stuff to watch on the internet/tv
Cons:
The basics: Heap o Debt, overweight, no job, no car
Without proper wheels, I lack many basic freedoms that I had previously grown accustomed to like the radio
No love life whatsoever. Im not even sure I'm ready for another relationship yet. It'd be nice, but god, what do I have to offer?
Depression is my ever present companion. We're old friends, honest.
No motivation. I am adrift on the seas of progress with out so much as an inkling of where I am going to end up.
The curse. As immortal as it seems to make me, my lack of insight into where and what I am supposed to be doing makes me wonder if there is a null/void clause in the fine print. I often wonder if my number is coming up soon. I'm ok with that if it is, but its still kinda scary. What do I have to show for it? Something to work on there I guess.
So, the old year is out and in with the new. I've got stuff to keep me busy, friends to entertain and my cancer has yet to rear its ugly head. I'm guessing that mine will be heart failure or something like that. Who knows? Anyways, Ive got to keep on trucking cause there are people that need me out there right now and I will be here for them for as long as I can. If I can get my own shit sorted out, bueno. If not, oh well. One thing at a time I say. The outlook for the year is bleak, but I've never been one to run away from anything. (Sit on my ass and let it go by, sure, but thats not the same as running away). I have some short term goals to put down and get to work on and if nothing else, I have work to do before I go.
So one last list for the post and then I'll leave it be.
Goals for 2011:
1. Clean up my record. Tele said he'd help me out with this. I'm gonna hold him to that. With this under the bridge I can work on the whole debt/job/car situation.
2. Stay in school. The path to happiness/success lies in achieving this goal. I used to think that once my dad's life insurance money ran dry that I had proved to him that I could succeed. Now, I know that there is more to prove yet and I will do it. This leg of the journey I have to do on my own though. I will succeed. Not just for me, but for my parents.
3.Get a car. I need wheels, I need music therapy, I need to be able to drive around town whenever I want. This is a requirement for my own happiness. I can't survive another year stuck in this basement.
4. Deal with it. Everything that is. I have to man up and handle the shit that's inside my head. That means finding a counselor and talking this shit out. I have yet had a single volunteer to listen to me or offer advice and that means I need to find someone that gets paid to do it.
5. Consider my living arrangements. At the current rate, this house won't belong to me for too much longer. So either I need to man up and help out to reestablish my value as a human being to the 'movers and shakers' in the family or I need to consider where I will end up if the shit hits the proverbial fan, which I'm guessing it will in about 6 months. Just in time to overshadow my B-day. We'll see though. Grandpa is looking more and more healthy as time goes by. Maybe he'll pull through for another year.
6. I'd like to say get into shape is a goal of mine, but until I finish #4 I won't really be able to manage it. So instead I'll add in here that I will be looking for ways to get my insurance to pay for lapband surgery for me or something. If I can shed a 150 lbs or so, maybe I can deal with shit a little more resolutely since I will have defeated the overwhelming handicaps I have been given.
7. Find something new to sing about. The reason I always liked the buffy musical episode was that I can totally identify with her point of view in feeling the world from an outsiders point of view. I'm kinda dead inside and I need a reason to keep on keeping on aside from stubbornness and dedication to my friends and family. This year I need to figure that out.
8. Not die. Like I mentioned above, Ive had this inkling that I'm not gonna make it to 2012 (or at least not too much longer). I don't know why that is, but I have no future that I can imagine at this point. So, instead of letting entropy take me and I lose the fight, I want to face the unknown head first and make something of what time I have left, even if I can't see what that is anymore.
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