... not looked forward to.
School starts for me in a little more than 9 hours. This semester shouldn't be awful, but it certainly isn't going to be all that fun. I've got 2 econ courses of no particular importance, Japanese 2 and my world culture required course: An Introduction to Cult and Linguistic Anthropology. Can I pick them or what?
I have no idea what to expect this semester except that currently my fears of school sucking are mingling with the dread of finances and dollar signs as car shopping and so forth have taken a priority in my thoughts recently. I don't really -need- a car per-say, but I want a car. A car means I am self-reliant again, but with that comes the increased debt of bills and gas and so forth. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it all at once.
The house of course is always in the back of my head. When is grandma gonna sell it? Why isn't she putting any effort into getting it fixed? Do I even want to live here when I am done with school? When is the tub gonna fall through the floor? Etc... I really wish I had the time/money/skills to fix the myriad of problems at the house, but I can't do it alone. I seem to be good at motivating people to help me come up with ideas, or volunteer to help, but suck at getting them to actually follow through with said assistance. So, things continue towards the gradual state of decay and entropy that our house currently sits at.
Health concerns bug me a little. I had a cough that lasted a month and is only now starting to go away. So that is something. I need to lose weight, and I want to buy an exercise bike, but as more and more random things are added to my list of crap to buy, it keeps getting pushed further and further down. My back prevents me from doing a lot of the things I want to do/used to be able to do, and its really made me even more sedentary than I used to be. I dont like it, but I have no idea if school insurance will cover it, and I certainly cant afford to pay for the medical bills that will arise from having it checked out.
Other than the natural worries in my life, things have been ok. My roommates are never around which can make life pretty dull and quiet, and when they are around, things can be fun, but also frustrating or confusing too. I think we are in a perpetual state of avoiding each other at this point. Each of us seems to have a 'wing' of the house we use and rarely do we mix. When we are all even here that is. The kittens and I are getting along fine, although I really am looking forward to Tele getting them into the vet asap. They're in dire need of a checkup/spaying.
Gaming is fun, but Im feeling myself starting to burn out. Wednesday game is run by me and now that school is coming back, it is gonna be harder and harder to plan for things. But I plan to endure. Friday game seems awesome, but Im kinda a sidelines character this time, so I am looking forward to being able to fade into the shadows whenever I can manage to catch up on the inevitable school work or whatever comes up.
Besides that, Ive been playing a lot of City of Heroes again lately, and its great. Almost as fun as it used to be. A sign that I have moved on from my late girlfriend and am healing nicely. Now, if only I can get the rest of my life in order again, I might be able to make something of myself. Oh, and I should really start working on that novel of mine again too... Especially since I'm a published author and everything now.
But honestly, I don't have much on my mind at all... Really, I swear.
Not my chair, not my problem. Thats what I say.
Been a while since I posted anything, so I figure its update time.
Had a birthday a few days back, and it wasn't too bad. Went up to visit my mom and had a good time, then kinda melted down when I had to spend the afternoon with the grandparents in the sweltering heat and had to get a ride home early. Its tough to be happy when your brain is baking and there is no escape from people. But, when I went home, Mom got me some awesome gifts for my B-day and then the guys helped me clean the basement so all in all it was pretty great.
We had a few days of intensive work in the basement, but now things are shiny and new. Well, sorta. With each mess we clean, a new one arises. Its definitely cleaner than it has been though, so thats nice. I'm adapting to being in a new space with my computer and the new layout.
Now that things are calming down again, its nice to take a load off and relax, but I feel like there is so much going on all the time that I don't get the opportunity to do side projects, which is strange because Ive got so much free time. Its gotta be this new sleep schedule I'm on. Puts me awake at the busiest parts of the day and I sleep through the quiet parts that I used to enjoy. Its weird. Daylight just isn't as much fun.
Gaming has been pretty awesome in our Tuesday group. Last night we had a ton of laughs with our new characters, despite things getting cut short by shenanigans, but thems the breaks. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next with that bunch. Although it will definitely be different since all the cats are out of the bag. *shrug* Archangel's game is coming up next friday too, and thats been long awaited, so I hope it turns out great. He's been planning for a year it feels like.
On the roommate front, Jazzhands is on some new drugs that make him loopy and kinda an asshat on occasion. Its hard to keep up with him most days, but its even harder than usual now. I wonder if he's got something up with him, but is deflecting it at us so we don't notice as much. Makes me curious. Hopefully, it passes soon enough though. Tele's been really moody lately too and doesn't wanna talk about it, which is fine, but its just hard to sort out tension when everything isn't getting resolved. Again, it'll pass. Its just frustrating at the moment. Archangel's computer got vacated from the basement tonight, which means that progress can start being made in the back corner now, and that means that maybe Tele's computer hub will move downstairs. Only time will tell how that goes.
There are a lot of things I have to stop and tell myself that I worry too much about. For instance, our internet connection has a maximum bandwidth a month of 250 gigs. We hit 220 our first month, which was a little scary to me, but ultimately I think it was just an adjustment to our new internet capacity. Anything that gives me a counter to watch how much we use just triggers my OCD I guess. Other things, like Jazzhands' romantic foibles just rub me the wrong way as well. It sucks when I have to waste mental time wanting to fix other people's problems, but my brain somehow decides that is what I want to think about. I guess I just need better distractions. I dunno.
Another topic of thought for me is Pensic coming up at the end of July. Two weeks of camping is gonna be nice, but I don't feel ready for it at all. It'll be the first time in 10 years that I've seen most of these people, and I'm not sure what to expect from it all. Again, I worry too much, but I guess as I get older I'm beginning to prefer planning over winging it. It all just ends up stressing me out in tiny little doses that add up over time.
Today's been a great day that got miserable all in the course of like 30 minutes flat and now I'm kinda cranky, which is no fun. I started out super happy, and to end it on this note makes me frown a little extra. Archangel and I were working on Jazzhands' computer but it's problem wasn't resolved, and all it did was make me more frustrated because now I worry that my computer isn't working right either, and then when I gave up on it for the night, my wireless was acting up again which only made me more angry and frustrated. To top it off, Jazzhands decided to piss off Tele (or so I assume because he isn't talking to us) when he came in from work. So, theres all this tension for no good reason, and I'm stressed out again for little to no reason and it just makes me cranky.
I think too much. Sigh.
Had a birthday a few days back, and it wasn't too bad. Went up to visit my mom and had a good time, then kinda melted down when I had to spend the afternoon with the grandparents in the sweltering heat and had to get a ride home early. Its tough to be happy when your brain is baking and there is no escape from people. But, when I went home, Mom got me some awesome gifts for my B-day and then the guys helped me clean the basement so all in all it was pretty great.
We had a few days of intensive work in the basement, but now things are shiny and new. Well, sorta. With each mess we clean, a new one arises. Its definitely cleaner than it has been though, so thats nice. I'm adapting to being in a new space with my computer and the new layout.
Now that things are calming down again, its nice to take a load off and relax, but I feel like there is so much going on all the time that I don't get the opportunity to do side projects, which is strange because Ive got so much free time. Its gotta be this new sleep schedule I'm on. Puts me awake at the busiest parts of the day and I sleep through the quiet parts that I used to enjoy. Its weird. Daylight just isn't as much fun.
Gaming has been pretty awesome in our Tuesday group. Last night we had a ton of laughs with our new characters, despite things getting cut short by shenanigans, but thems the breaks. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next with that bunch. Although it will definitely be different since all the cats are out of the bag. *shrug* Archangel's game is coming up next friday too, and thats been long awaited, so I hope it turns out great. He's been planning for a year it feels like.
On the roommate front, Jazzhands is on some new drugs that make him loopy and kinda an asshat on occasion. Its hard to keep up with him most days, but its even harder than usual now. I wonder if he's got something up with him, but is deflecting it at us so we don't notice as much. Makes me curious. Hopefully, it passes soon enough though. Tele's been really moody lately too and doesn't wanna talk about it, which is fine, but its just hard to sort out tension when everything isn't getting resolved. Again, it'll pass. Its just frustrating at the moment. Archangel's computer got vacated from the basement tonight, which means that progress can start being made in the back corner now, and that means that maybe Tele's computer hub will move downstairs. Only time will tell how that goes.
There are a lot of things I have to stop and tell myself that I worry too much about. For instance, our internet connection has a maximum bandwidth a month of 250 gigs. We hit 220 our first month, which was a little scary to me, but ultimately I think it was just an adjustment to our new internet capacity. Anything that gives me a counter to watch how much we use just triggers my OCD I guess. Other things, like Jazzhands' romantic foibles just rub me the wrong way as well. It sucks when I have to waste mental time wanting to fix other people's problems, but my brain somehow decides that is what I want to think about. I guess I just need better distractions. I dunno.
Another topic of thought for me is Pensic coming up at the end of July. Two weeks of camping is gonna be nice, but I don't feel ready for it at all. It'll be the first time in 10 years that I've seen most of these people, and I'm not sure what to expect from it all. Again, I worry too much, but I guess as I get older I'm beginning to prefer planning over winging it. It all just ends up stressing me out in tiny little doses that add up over time.
Today's been a great day that got miserable all in the course of like 30 minutes flat and now I'm kinda cranky, which is no fun. I started out super happy, and to end it on this note makes me frown a little extra. Archangel and I were working on Jazzhands' computer but it's problem wasn't resolved, and all it did was make me more frustrated because now I worry that my computer isn't working right either, and then when I gave up on it for the night, my wireless was acting up again which only made me more angry and frustrated. To top it off, Jazzhands decided to piss off Tele (or so I assume because he isn't talking to us) when he came in from work. So, theres all this tension for no good reason, and I'm stressed out again for little to no reason and it just makes me cranky.
I think too much. Sigh.
What could it hurt?
Its been a little while since I updated, but things have changed a bit since then. The grandparents have given a tentative go ahead to move for Tele, so gears are in motion. Everyone still has their reservations, and I am tackling them one at a time. Jazz hands and I had a long talk about everything under the sun and hopefully we've made some good progress on that front. Tomorrow/today I am going up north to talk to the grandparents and finalize all of this business and put it behind us. Its been a nice bit of forward momentum and I'm not about to stop things as they get bigger and (hopefully) better.
Jazz Hands also wanted to start up a diet regimen for the two of us, and the title of this post was his primary argument. I can't really fault his logic either. It was hard trying to tell a close family member that up to this point, you'd basically given up on trying to make a difference and chose food as a more enjoyable form of bullet for your problems. We're going to try to slow boil the frog and see if we can't just sneak up to weight loss without much thinking put into it. My first guess is that its just going to be a means of guilting me into eating out less and making him feel better about himself. Weight loss is probably so hard because its always the beautiful people who try to con you into it.
So many things going on in my brain right now, so much stuff to process and plan for. My game of social chess is spiraling wildly and I have to keep up as best I can. So many fires to put out. As for school, I'm using next semester as a feeler to see if I can actually survive in my Econ major. I've got a pretty sweet schedule, and if I do alright back in economics, then I may just tough it out as a sign of good faith for the family since they actually went and fooled me and are probably going to let me keep going to school.
My motivation is coming back for things around the house and I hope that it keeps up because its way better to be positive about these things than to sit back and watch everything fall apart instead. I'm praying that everything works out like I hope, and dreading the moment everything falls to pieces.
I need to get back into writing. If I can get a book going, I may just find something I can do with my life that I can enjoy. We'll see how it goes. For the moment, everything seems to be coming up OOOs.
Jazz Hands also wanted to start up a diet regimen for the two of us, and the title of this post was his primary argument. I can't really fault his logic either. It was hard trying to tell a close family member that up to this point, you'd basically given up on trying to make a difference and chose food as a more enjoyable form of bullet for your problems. We're going to try to slow boil the frog and see if we can't just sneak up to weight loss without much thinking put into it. My first guess is that its just going to be a means of guilting me into eating out less and making him feel better about himself. Weight loss is probably so hard because its always the beautiful people who try to con you into it.
So many things going on in my brain right now, so much stuff to process and plan for. My game of social chess is spiraling wildly and I have to keep up as best I can. So many fires to put out. As for school, I'm using next semester as a feeler to see if I can actually survive in my Econ major. I've got a pretty sweet schedule, and if I do alright back in economics, then I may just tough it out as a sign of good faith for the family since they actually went and fooled me and are probably going to let me keep going to school.
My motivation is coming back for things around the house and I hope that it keeps up because its way better to be positive about these things than to sit back and watch everything fall apart instead. I'm praying that everything works out like I hope, and dreading the moment everything falls to pieces.
I need to get back into writing. If I can get a book going, I may just find something I can do with my life that I can enjoy. We'll see how it goes. For the moment, everything seems to be coming up OOOs.
The last olive branch
So, I've been dealing with this whole living situation debacle for the last couple weeks. Putting out the fires that Archangel decided to dump on me. At every turn, the family seems to support me, but then, when I look away to count on them to do something, they just let it sit. So, I decided to do it myself and start the ball rolling. Tele's plans have changed and he wants a decision now rather than later, so we're gonna tip over the apple cart and see what comes out.
I've talked to mom about things and ended up sending her a rather venom filled email about empty promises and overt slacking off and how this entire situation is just riling me up into a giant ball of frustration. We'll see how she takes it tomorrow. If I don't have an answer by the end of this week though, I'm done (barring something major that is excusable, like death or someone else getting married). I tried to explain to mom how this whole situation is hard for me on account of the last situation with roommates and how that ended poorly and how grandpa has one last shot at this making friends business before I am done with him, but we'll see if she catches on. Its hard to flat out tell your parents that you're gonna disavow their parents if they fuck you over one more time (or at least write them a nasty letter wishing them a miserable last few years of life).
At the moment I am super pissed, scowling and about ready to write off the last half of my family and just ride things out alone from here on out. Its amazing what anger can do to a depressed brain. I've had so many random ideas. All bad, but some more amusing than others. I'm hoping sleep helps, but I just have this feeling today that I've pushed too hard and everything I want is going to slip through my fingers once again.
Seems to be the story of my life.
I've talked to mom about things and ended up sending her a rather venom filled email about empty promises and overt slacking off and how this entire situation is just riling me up into a giant ball of frustration. We'll see how she takes it tomorrow. If I don't have an answer by the end of this week though, I'm done (barring something major that is excusable, like death or someone else getting married). I tried to explain to mom how this whole situation is hard for me on account of the last situation with roommates and how that ended poorly and how grandpa has one last shot at this making friends business before I am done with him, but we'll see if she catches on. Its hard to flat out tell your parents that you're gonna disavow their parents if they fuck you over one more time (or at least write them a nasty letter wishing them a miserable last few years of life).
At the moment I am super pissed, scowling and about ready to write off the last half of my family and just ride things out alone from here on out. Its amazing what anger can do to a depressed brain. I've had so many random ideas. All bad, but some more amusing than others. I'm hoping sleep helps, but I just have this feeling today that I've pushed too hard and everything I want is going to slip through my fingers once again.
Seems to be the story of my life.
Too much icky
Well, its done now. I'm not going to be getting a bachelors at ISU. I got some feedback from the Psych department that I was trying to transfer my major into and they said that I have too many hours to be admitted into the psych field. How is that even possible? Anyways, with that news, basically I am done at ISU. I'm going to finish out next semester, and maaaybe one more afterwards depending on social situation and then cut my losses and move on.
I could try to finish up with my Econ degree, but at this point, ISU has nothing I want anymore so I will be more than happy to wave goodbye to them for good. What this means for me though is that its time to hunker down, and get everything sorted out stat before my benefits start drying up. Time to go visit the doctors, and get a bunch of things sorted out, time to get my history in check, and to figure out my living situation once and for all. I'll be pushing to get Tele as a roommate that much harder because we need one, and once I get a job, if this house issue isn't sorted out to my liking, hopefully I will be able to move out and forget all about this place. We'll see.
Anyways, Mom is supposed to be in town this weekend and I have a lot to talk to her about and the dust has to settle on my opinion of ISU still but I believe that this will be the best option for me. I have a hard enough time settling in to the real world, so its time to just move on down the road. Ahh, what a lovely domino effect some things can have on my life. Nothing is ever stable, but I will adapt and move forward. Me and Sisyphus are bros.
I could try to finish up with my Econ degree, but at this point, ISU has nothing I want anymore so I will be more than happy to wave goodbye to them for good. What this means for me though is that its time to hunker down, and get everything sorted out stat before my benefits start drying up. Time to go visit the doctors, and get a bunch of things sorted out, time to get my history in check, and to figure out my living situation once and for all. I'll be pushing to get Tele as a roommate that much harder because we need one, and once I get a job, if this house issue isn't sorted out to my liking, hopefully I will be able to move out and forget all about this place. We'll see.
Anyways, Mom is supposed to be in town this weekend and I have a lot to talk to her about and the dust has to settle on my opinion of ISU still but I believe that this will be the best option for me. I have a hard enough time settling in to the real world, so its time to just move on down the road. Ahh, what a lovely domino effect some things can have on my life. Nothing is ever stable, but I will adapt and move forward. Me and Sisyphus are bros.
Updates
Had the family shindig today. It was fun. Got to see a lot of people that are fun to talk to. Got to listen to a lot of boring conversations I'd rather not know about but hey, that's how family get-togethers are. Over-sharing and boredom mixed in with good times and good food. We had dinner at an Amish buffet which was different. Apparently the restaurant hires Amish people to cook and serve food but still uses modern tech and so forth to make things work. Its a strange combination of worlds. But they had really good apple butter, peanut butter and mashed potatoes and gravy.
I used my opportunities to try and discuss important matters of the house only to get pretty much shut down at every turn. Noone really wanted to talk about it with me aside from Auntsie who basically was not much help. Her 'constructive' advice is to just deal with it and shit happens. Good. Thanks for that. I got Mom to back me up and talk to my uncle Handyman. His opinion is that its grandpa's call even if we know its going to be a bad one. At least that is what he told me, he may have told mom something different. Alternative options at the moment are for me to buy the house (Not happening as far as I am aware) or some strange combination of moving out or something. I don't know whats happening with it. But so far, every option I have heard has been terrible and is going to result in me having to move out and quit school or take like 4 busses to get to school every day and find at least 2 more roommates. My head hurts.
I'm super stressed. Moreso than when I started the day. I am going to watch a couple shows and then maybe play some videogames and hope for the end of the world. Sorry in advance if my dreams come true. At this point an apocalypse of some sort seems like a better option. Grumble grumble.
Nothing ever works out properly. I'm beginning to think this is how it will always be for me. At least I got good friends to hang out with. Its the one bright spot of my life at the moment.
I used my opportunities to try and discuss important matters of the house only to get pretty much shut down at every turn. Noone really wanted to talk about it with me aside from Auntsie who basically was not much help. Her 'constructive' advice is to just deal with it and shit happens. Good. Thanks for that. I got Mom to back me up and talk to my uncle Handyman. His opinion is that its grandpa's call even if we know its going to be a bad one. At least that is what he told me, he may have told mom something different. Alternative options at the moment are for me to buy the house (Not happening as far as I am aware) or some strange combination of moving out or something. I don't know whats happening with it. But so far, every option I have heard has been terrible and is going to result in me having to move out and quit school or take like 4 busses to get to school every day and find at least 2 more roommates. My head hurts.
I'm super stressed. Moreso than when I started the day. I am going to watch a couple shows and then maybe play some videogames and hope for the end of the world. Sorry in advance if my dreams come true. At this point an apocalypse of some sort seems like a better option. Grumble grumble.
Nothing ever works out properly. I'm beginning to think this is how it will always be for me. At least I got good friends to hang out with. Its the one bright spot of my life at the moment.
Can't sleep, Brain will eat me...
Its been a bizarre several days, and its only helped to clarify a few things that have been bouncing around in my head. This Spring break will probably be one of the most fruitful and needed breaks I have had in a while. Because I really need time to vent and decompress. I should have been in bed an hour ago, but my brain says no. It is trying hard to find the words I want to spit out and say but it ends up just churning out white noise that distracts me to the point of insomnia. Its frustrating.
Gaming night tonight was super short on account of us missing a player due to spontaneous marriages. Its sad that I am more frustrated by gaming being cut short than I am happy that my cousin got married. Neither of which are significant influences on me. I find that I am just confused and nonplussed about the whole thing. What can I say? The wheel continues to turn and so I must continue on.
Tomorrow I get to hang out with my mom for a while and talk to the rest of the 'movers and shakers' in the family and try and get their permission to get a roommate to make up for aforementioned impulsiveness. At least I don't instead have to go begging to sleep on someone's couch for the rest of the year while I try to find a job. The world around me is so damned unstable its hard to trust/rely on anything anymore. Its tough to make plans more than a month in advance without worrying that something drastic will change on me. Im cranky that I am going to have to monopolize my chances to talk to family and catch up with talks of battle plans and things spiraling out of control instead of good times or other important issues I could bring up.
I checked my horoscope fortune at the beginning of the year said I would have an Auspicious year, and no bad months to speak of. Its 5 days into this month, so there is still plenty of time to turn things around still, but at the pace things are going, its looking like they're wrong. I'll figure out some way to pull this off, but its been a long time since I have been so stressed out. Its definitely showing in my productivity this semester at school and its making even my occasional depression sit on the backburner. I've been getting cranky and animatedly angry a lot more than I have in a looooong time, and not sleeping well.
I wish I could use my blog for things aside from venting, but so far, everything else seems like its just so much less important. And if I go talking about Kamen Rider Bugmans or videogames on here it just takes away from when I actually get to have real live conversations. That being said, you should all go watch Chuck, Castle, Kamen Rider OOOs, and come to bad movie nights. They are good stuff. Oh and Burn Notice too, that ones a good one.
Well, the white noise of stress and faulty brain workings is diminished and I think I can go sleep now or at least go do some more reading til I pass out. My laundry is in the dryer and all thats left for me to do tomorrow is roll out of bed, shower, chug a rip it and then wait for mom. I'm wagering that tonights dreams are going to be something like me struggling to climb a mountain that keeps breaking apart as I try to climb or other symbolic interpretation of my mood of late. I really just want to catch a break for a change.
Gaming night tonight was super short on account of us missing a player due to spontaneous marriages. Its sad that I am more frustrated by gaming being cut short than I am happy that my cousin got married. Neither of which are significant influences on me. I find that I am just confused and nonplussed about the whole thing. What can I say? The wheel continues to turn and so I must continue on.
Tomorrow I get to hang out with my mom for a while and talk to the rest of the 'movers and shakers' in the family and try and get their permission to get a roommate to make up for aforementioned impulsiveness. At least I don't instead have to go begging to sleep on someone's couch for the rest of the year while I try to find a job. The world around me is so damned unstable its hard to trust/rely on anything anymore. Its tough to make plans more than a month in advance without worrying that something drastic will change on me. Im cranky that I am going to have to monopolize my chances to talk to family and catch up with talks of battle plans and things spiraling out of control instead of good times or other important issues I could bring up.
I checked my horoscope fortune at the beginning of the year said I would have an Auspicious year, and no bad months to speak of. Its 5 days into this month, so there is still plenty of time to turn things around still, but at the pace things are going, its looking like they're wrong. I'll figure out some way to pull this off, but its been a long time since I have been so stressed out. Its definitely showing in my productivity this semester at school and its making even my occasional depression sit on the backburner. I've been getting cranky and animatedly angry a lot more than I have in a looooong time, and not sleeping well.
I wish I could use my blog for things aside from venting, but so far, everything else seems like its just so much less important. And if I go talking about Kamen Rider Bugmans or videogames on here it just takes away from when I actually get to have real live conversations. That being said, you should all go watch Chuck, Castle, Kamen Rider OOOs, and come to bad movie nights. They are good stuff. Oh and Burn Notice too, that ones a good one.
Well, the white noise of stress and faulty brain workings is diminished and I think I can go sleep now or at least go do some more reading til I pass out. My laundry is in the dryer and all thats left for me to do tomorrow is roll out of bed, shower, chug a rip it and then wait for mom. I'm wagering that tonights dreams are going to be something like me struggling to climb a mountain that keeps breaking apart as I try to climb or other symbolic interpretation of my mood of late. I really just want to catch a break for a change.
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