T minus 5 days and counting.
Its been almost an entire year since the most recent 'worst day of my life' happened. And where am I? Sounds like its time for a rundown.
Pros:
The basics: Roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes to wear, that sorta thing
I've got friends that I love that are around and help me out as much as they can
Ive got family I can trust and talk to that look out for me in their own way.
I'm still in school and on my way towards a degree slowly but surely.
I am moving on with my life, one foot in front of the other and I am ready for a new year
Gaming is still fun/exciting.
Lots of good stuff to watch on the internet/tv
Cons:
The basics: Heap o Debt, overweight, no job, no car
Without proper wheels, I lack many basic freedoms that I had previously grown accustomed to like the radio
No love life whatsoever. Im not even sure I'm ready for another relationship yet. It'd be nice, but god, what do I have to offer?
Depression is my ever present companion. We're old friends, honest.
No motivation. I am adrift on the seas of progress with out so much as an inkling of where I am going to end up.
The curse. As immortal as it seems to make me, my lack of insight into where and what I am supposed to be doing makes me wonder if there is a null/void clause in the fine print. I often wonder if my number is coming up soon. I'm ok with that if it is, but its still kinda scary. What do I have to show for it? Something to work on there I guess.
So, the old year is out and in with the new. I've got stuff to keep me busy, friends to entertain and my cancer has yet to rear its ugly head. I'm guessing that mine will be heart failure or something like that. Who knows? Anyways, Ive got to keep on trucking cause there are people that need me out there right now and I will be here for them for as long as I can. If I can get my own shit sorted out, bueno. If not, oh well. One thing at a time I say. The outlook for the year is bleak, but I've never been one to run away from anything. (Sit on my ass and let it go by, sure, but thats not the same as running away). I have some short term goals to put down and get to work on and if nothing else, I have work to do before I go.
So one last list for the post and then I'll leave it be.
Goals for 2011:
1. Clean up my record. Tele said he'd help me out with this. I'm gonna hold him to that. With this under the bridge I can work on the whole debt/job/car situation.
2. Stay in school. The path to happiness/success lies in achieving this goal. I used to think that once my dad's life insurance money ran dry that I had proved to him that I could succeed. Now, I know that there is more to prove yet and I will do it. This leg of the journey I have to do on my own though. I will succeed. Not just for me, but for my parents.
3.Get a car. I need wheels, I need music therapy, I need to be able to drive around town whenever I want. This is a requirement for my own happiness. I can't survive another year stuck in this basement.
4. Deal with it. Everything that is. I have to man up and handle the shit that's inside my head. That means finding a counselor and talking this shit out. I have yet had a single volunteer to listen to me or offer advice and that means I need to find someone that gets paid to do it.
5. Consider my living arrangements. At the current rate, this house won't belong to me for too much longer. So either I need to man up and help out to reestablish my value as a human being to the 'movers and shakers' in the family or I need to consider where I will end up if the shit hits the proverbial fan, which I'm guessing it will in about 6 months. Just in time to overshadow my B-day. We'll see though. Grandpa is looking more and more healthy as time goes by. Maybe he'll pull through for another year.
6. I'd like to say get into shape is a goal of mine, but until I finish #4 I won't really be able to manage it. So instead I'll add in here that I will be looking for ways to get my insurance to pay for lapband surgery for me or something. If I can shed a 150 lbs or so, maybe I can deal with shit a little more resolutely since I will have defeated the overwhelming handicaps I have been given.
7. Find something new to sing about. The reason I always liked the buffy musical episode was that I can totally identify with her point of view in feeling the world from an outsiders point of view. I'm kinda dead inside and I need a reason to keep on keeping on aside from stubbornness and dedication to my friends and family. This year I need to figure that out.
8. Not die. Like I mentioned above, Ive had this inkling that I'm not gonna make it to 2012 (or at least not too much longer). I don't know why that is, but I have no future that I can imagine at this point. So, instead of letting entropy take me and I lose the fight, I want to face the unknown head first and make something of what time I have left, even if I can't see what that is anymore.
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