And so, it arrives, without fan fare or applause. No thunder and brimstone or anything like that. The pain has softened, and all I am left with is trying to remember what it was like to be that happy again. The crazy roller coaster of a semester starts fresh and this year I have a lot of work to do, but I think its gonna be a lot better.
I've got my to do list and I've got a full plate, its just time to motivate and get to it. My friends will be around to help, but I have to be able to deal with this on my own cause I don't really get to share my thoughts and feelings with them. No time for depression and reminiscing on dead girlfriends because they don't really have anything to say that can help. Its a sucky spot to be in, but I think that is kinda how life is. How do you console someone who has lost something so significant? What do I expect others to be able to do but distract me and help me continue moving forwards?
Its times like these when I miss having a parent around on a regular basis cause they seem to know how to cheer us up regardless of what is making us sad. Sometimes its tough medicine, but it still heals just as good. Thats probably another reason why things are tough for me. With only maternal support, I get the occasional TLC but I don't get so much of the "thats life, suck it up and move on" speeches that I assume fathers are supposed to give. I'd lived in a relative bubble of happiness before he went away, and now that I have all this guff to deal with, I sometimes wonder what he'd have told me. Guess thats another one of those secrets of the universe I will never solve. I'll add it to the list.
Today hasn't been all that bad though. It was pretty quiet around the house so I got some good sleep (when I finally got to sleep) and played a ton of video games. Tele was sick and forgot to bring my Sims expansion stuff that he was nice enough to get for me, so my brand new house sits empty, awaiting my cool new gizmos and gadgets. I've got an elegant sufficiency of things to keep myself busy this semester, with school and entertainment, books, movies, Tv and so forth.
I'm sitting here looking at a funny little dinosaur wallpaper I found almost 2 years ago now and its pretty much the happiest memento I have of Sam. Its that one that sasy "RAWR! it means I love you! in Dinosaur" I think I'll leave it as my desktop for a while since I can look at it and not break down and cry like I used to. Apparently I am recovering from this loss much faster than I did my father, but I have so many more things that remind me of him. So I guess its a little different. Long story short, I'm bored tonight and a little heart broken. I'll survive but today commemorates the day when my hope for a better life than I had been given died along with the woman I was in love with. Ouchie.
No comments:
Post a Comment